February is a cruel month. No sooner have you recovered from the horror of adding up last year’s petrol receipts for your Jan 31 tax return, you’re faced with the prospect of Valentine’s Day. St Valentine being, of course, the patron saint of Kenyan rose growers, chocolatiers, and nylon lace manufacturers. 

The best Valentine’s gift I ever received was a huge bunch of white long-stemmed roses, delivered to the office where I was working at a peak time and not during lunch when everyone was out. My heart literally leaped in my chest – I’d been dating my boyfriend for three months at the time, and it was the most romantic present I’d ever had: classic, elegant, generous, utterly grown-up. The worst gift was a black ‘satin’ M&S camisole and French knicker set in a size 10 because that’s what my uni boyfriend erroneously assumed I was, because that’s what I’d told him. Obviously, I was not a size 10. The only time I’ve worn clothes marked 10 was when I was ten. I had to go back to M&S that afternoon, plead frantically with them to swop it for a bigger size, then cut the labels out. I wasn’t the first person to do that, apparently. The lady on the till saw me approaching with my gift bag and my sheepish expression, and merely held out her hand with a sigh.

(Note: that said, lads, if you have to guess, err on the small side. No one will thank you for over-estimating the size of their posterior.)

(Note 2: there are approx 5 women in the world who look good in a satin camisole/French knicker set, and they’re all working for Victoria’s Secret already.)

(Note 3: ladies, don’t fib about your pants. Men, check the labels in the pants she actually wears.)

So what should you buy for your loved one on Valentine’s Day? I’m probably the wrong person to ask, because I’m not in the key demographic, ie, someone in a relationship of exactly four months’ duration, or a teenager with a raging crush. Also, I’m a woman, and traditionally the onus for gift-purchasing falls to men. Although I’ve never met a man who wasn’t secretly thrilled with some unexpected flowers. But say the bloke in Accounts asks your advice, or your brother needs a nudge, this is how you could make someone’s day a bit less…. thrushy.

1. any flowers, except red roses

well, obviously they’re lovely, red roses. But they’re out of season, and forced, and also stupidly expensive at this time of year so if you’re in any sort of cohabiting relationship it’s hard to look at a £100 bunch of flowers and not think, ‘hang on, don’t you still owe me for the gas bill?’ Much nicer is a lavish bunch of seasonal spring flowers. Even if they’re not particularly expensive, there’s something heart-melting about a really big bunch of one variety. (See Amy Wilde’s gardening thoughts in The Runaway Princess, and indeed, Betsy Phillimore’s Language of Flowers tutorial in The Finishing Touches.)  A glowing armful of bright red or pearly white tulips are gorgeous, or even a thick bunch of sunshine-yellow daffodils or heady, textured blue hyacinths is so much less obvious and more thoughtful.

2. any dinner, except a dinner for two at your local taverna romantica

Who really wants to sit in a room full of other couples, in various stages of relationship, um, development? It’s impossible not to eavesdrop and/or compare your conversation with those around you. (Although again, maybe it’s just nosey old me.) Herded in, herded out, served oysters even though neither of you really like them… Picnics are the way forward for Valentine’s Day, with a nice chilled sparkling wine – although you might have to find a nice indoor location, if the weather doesn’t sort itself out. Much more surprising, more romantic with the finger food aspect, and best of all, NO WASHING UP.

3. any underwear, except red lacey stuff

I would take a pair of Brora cashmere bedsocks over a nylon thong, even from AP, any day. Beautiful lace-trimmed thermal vests or a luxurious dressing gown are the way to an Englishwoman’s drizzle-soaked heart. Chaps, don’t forget Christmas was only a few weeks back, and none of us have managed to stick to our NY resolutions about the gym. Who wants to be reminded of their cosy scoffathon with the Celebrations tin as they try to arrange their winter chump above/below a suspender belt? Give tissue-wrapped quality undies that smooth and sculpt us into goddess-like elegance – I’m thinking specifically of AP’s classic black corset here – and you might actually get to see them being modelled.

4. any card except one with a tacky message

unless it’s Your Thing, no sleaze, no bunny rabbits, no glued-on diamantes, no baby talk, and definitely no ‘Keep Calm and Marry On’ type horrors.

5. No presents that are really for you, eg, cordless drill, car cleaning kit, Call of Duty: Black Ops, etc

Although if you’re planning to put up a shelf, valet her car or cook dinner for her, that really would be a lovely Valentine’s present…

What’s been your favourite Valentine’s gift? Or the worst??